Today has been a normal day. Nothing really out of the ordinary. But then I began staring at Ivan's picture on RR. Over the last couple of weeks, I have been so busy with all of the paperwork for our homestudy that I have been somewhat emotionless about the whole adoption. I was in a get things done mode and I think I subconciously knew I had to push the emotional part of me aside to be productive.
It hit today. I was not expecting the flood of overwhelming emotion that struck. It was much like what I felt when I first saw his face and asked God if He could really ask this of us. Except now I know that we are on our way to him. I sit here sobbing uncontrollably even as I type this. I want Ivan here. I want to hold him and for him to know he is safe. I want him to be warm and eat a full meal until his little belly is content and I want to hear him laugh. Oh God, I want our son home and I don't know how it is going to happen. I wonder if he is scared today or if anyone held him and stroked his cheeks. Did he get out of his crib at all? The thoughts flood my mind and my heart aches. I don't know that I have ever felt this type of aching and yearning in my heart. And really it isn't even a hurt that comes from me not holding him, just the knowing that he is alone like so many others without his family. He has no idea yet that we are on our way.
Please pray for him today. Pray that someone will be merciful and cuddle him and sing in his ear if he wakes in the middle of the night. Pray that the people of God would hear His voice and respond to the needs of children like our precious Ivan and so many others. This love that God has put in our hearts is undescribeable. Even though I haven't held him yet, I see his precious little face and know that we have got to get to him. If Emily, Timothy, or Stella were languishing in a crib, I would stop at nothing to get them home and this is no different. Today I am surely relying on the arms of our Father to love a son that I have never met but long to hold and it is really hard.
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6 comments:
oh sweet karen, i had no idea. wow. we had the same 'stirrings' following reading the book 'choosing to see' but we haven't felt specifically lead to our baby yet. what an incredible blessing to KNOW your son - even if he isn't yet in your arms. incredible the faith you guys have. i am praying for you. wow. you guys rock. so proud of you
p.s. i just posted a link to your blog via a post on mine!!! hope you don't mind!! love you guys.
karen, we are praying for ivan and for you all. i pray for him several times a day while i am holding and loving on my sons, especially baby bennett. i ache for you and pray often. hope you are holding him in your arms SOOOO SOON!!!!!!!
oh karen...i am so sorry your heart is aching so much. i am praying often for you and your sweet family to be complete.
Girl I know these feelings all too well. I had them during our wait and they are awful. They suck. They are draining.
I so wish that I could tell you that it will get better, but the truth is that it won't. you will have miserable days and some good days too until the day he comes home.
God showed me so much love for a child that I hardly got to see during our wait. HE grew that in my heart. HE forced me to rely on him. HE helped me get through the days. HE was all I had.
I hear you loud and clear :)This experience does cause one to dig deeper and draw closer to God.
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